THE REALITY TV JUNKIE

With so many shows flooding the airwaves, our columnist needs a flowchart to keep things straight.

Hi, my name is Shayna, and I'm the reality TV junkie on overload.

First off, I apologize for my most recent disappearing act. You'll be glad to know I didn't go traipsing off in pursuit of another reality babe. Rather, I've found myself mired in the fall TV schedule, trying to determine what is worth watching and what isn't — so you don't have to. My mind has become a jumble of catfights, corporate quarrels and survival schemes.

Seriously, people... How many reality hopefuls have we met in the last few weeks? We've got dating divas, modeling mavens (both male and female), wife-swappers, castaways, Donald Trump's potential sidekicks and Orange County's torrid teens. They've got names like Twila and Hunter and Yaya. And those are just on the shows that I watch. Heaven forbid I should subject myself to the fearless freaks, home-makeover housewives, poker players and surreal sleazes cluttering up the airwaves the rest of the week!

If you've somehow managed to steer clear of the quagmire thus far, let me try to get you up to speed without sending you into overdrive.

Reality roundup

"The Apprentice"
Thu., 9 p.m., NBC
Don't get me wrong, this is a great show. But — yes, there is a but — it's not as good as it was the first time around. Why? Trump's gone soft, for one thing. There's no thunder in his voice, no relish in his "You're fired" speeches. And one gets the sense that business smarts were sacrificed for the sake of creative casting. Many of the participants seem best qualified to be annoying or bizarre, not sharp or talented.

On the positive side, the sophomore season has shown its share of improvements. Carolyn, one of Trump's loyal executives, has sharpened her fangs and grown claws to match. She's been dishing out the stinging criticism while The Donald sits by like a patsy. Higher-caliber tasks have upped the ante in the show's drama department as well.

Standouts so far: Maria (not because she's a great businesswoman, but because she's pretty and fashionable); Raj (not because he's pretty and fashionable, but because he's quirky — and a wise guy, to boot); Ivana (not because she's a good businesswoman, but because she's the biggest eye-roller since "Survivor's" Shii Ann); and Andy (not because he's a good businessman, but because he's young and unpredictable and doggone it, Donnie likes him!).

"America's Next Top Model"
Wed., 8 p.m., UPN
I love, I love, I love this show! I never played with Barbies growing up, so maybe it appeals to my latent girlishness. Whatever the reason, I can't seem to get enough of this behind-the-scenes peek into the modeling world cum teenage slumber party gone wild.

"The Bachelor"
Wed., 9 p.m., ABC
The high-muckety-mucks at ABC must have done some serious forehead scratching after yet another "Bachelor" matchup hit the skids only days after the show's finale aired. I'm not one to give the powers that be too much cred, but in this case I've got to hand it to 'em for realizing when something's broke, ya gotta fix it! So out with the young and in with the old. Bring on the men in midlife crises and the women with ticking biological clocks who love them.

Actually, the revamped show isn't all that different, it's just a bit nipped and tucked in all the right places. The participants are well over the legal drinking age, for starters, and all are residing on the same premises, including Byron, the bachelor of the party. You can imagine what shenanigans this setup inspires among a bunch of romance-hungry ladies and one rugged bass fisherman. Wait, did someone say bass fisherman? Yes, this season's bachelor is a professional bass fisherman. Put that on your line and cast it.

"Wife Swap"
Wed., 10 p.m., ABC
The premise is simple, albeit kind of gross: Two husbands agree to try each other's wives on for size for two weeks. The reason it works is because the participants are carefully selected polar opposites, which in reality terms means fireworks are sure to fly.

Things proceed thusly: During the first week, the newly placed wives (and often mothers) have to play by the household's established rules. So, if regular wife sleeps in until 10 a.m. and watches TV all day while the laundry piles up and the dust thickens, visiting wife must do the same, like it or not. During the second week of the swap, the household has to play by the visiting wife's/mother's rules. So if the visiting wife wants all household guns sent packing, then away they go. Yeah, baby, this is when the gloves come off.

I had intended to stay away from this show. But a trusted friend and reality watcher gave it high marks, so I checked out a recent episode. It was weird. And gross. But hey, I was entertained. And anyone who knows me knows that being entertained is what it's all about. To hell with my moral high ground.

"Survivor: Vanuatu"
Thu., 8 p.m., CBS
The fun continues on the volcanic islands of the South Pacific as our motley crew of misfits continues to run the usual challenges and bicker over the usual pitfalls of life in the shadow of a lava-spewing rock. Too bad most of the real competitors have already been given the boot and we're left to rely on a geriatric sorceress, a spiteful barista and a couple of hicks for entertainment. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

"Manhunt: The Search for America's Most Gorgeous Male Model"
Tue., 10 p.m., Bravo
"America's Next Top Model" this ain't. With a cheesy rock 'n' roll soundtrack and Carmen Electra playing host, the show smacks of amateurishness — which is surprising, given its home on the rather highbrow Bravo network. But maybe it's supposed to be a comedy and I'm missing the point. I did find myself chuckling an awful lot. What else was I to do while watching a bunch of beefcakes skydive in their Skivvies? Something tells me I won't be able to stay away, in spite of my better judgment.

"Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County"
Tue., 10:30 p.m., MTV
I gave it one episode. An entire half-hour of my life. And that's all, folks. Is it a reality show or a soap opera? Are these real kids or actors playing roles? I don't know and I don't care. The Laguna Beach I know and love is LC- and Lo-free.

Write to the Reality TV Junkie at tvjunkie@latimes.com.